St. Drunks McDrunk

Hooray, it's St. Patrick's day. What better way to celebrate? GET WASTED!

Seriously, what a joke of a holiday. How is this day viewed any better than mardi gras? I mean, I suppose there isn't a child friendly version of anything on mardi gras, "Here kids, throw the beads and see how many breasts you get to see!". Then again, since the highlight of St.Patrick's day is getting drunk, what's the child friendly version of that? Corned Beef is no more a St.Pats day thing than it is just a general Irish food dish.

Wearing green is the other highlight of this day, which I suppose all can partake in. Even with this there comes headache, however, as every child not wearing green gets pinched, poked, and even punched by their green clad classmates.

Everybody acts stupid on this day as well. They say stereotypically annoying things like "Top of the mornin' to ya!" and "Lucky stars", crap like that with an Irish accent. They're not even cool things to hear with an Irish accent, at least not as cool as asking an Irishman to tell you the time at exactly 3:33. That's a funny one.

Just wait for the morning news though, I'm sure you'll see plenty of stories about drunk drivers and other irresponsible acts cause by irresponsible people getting drunk. Even tonight I'm sure you'll see traffic stops everywhere set up by cops who know just where all the drunks are going to and heading from.

How do you make getting completely trashed, a normal event for many stupid people, into a holiday? Force everybody to wear the same color and "celebrate" Irish heritage.

Thanks a lot St.Patrick, you ass.

Real Men Wear Fanny Packs - Guest Writer Juliette

You have to be a real man to wear a fanny pack.

If you are a rugged man with a bunch of crap to carry then you have to get yourself a fanny pack. Your manly fanny pack can hold all sorts of wonderful items. Cell phones, radios, extra socks, protein bars, cigars, handguns, grenades, razors, wallets, and beef jerky. You may think to yourself that you can fit all of this crap in your cargo jeans. You are dead wrong. It doesn't matter how many pockets your pants have. All of your precious items can fall out and get lost. Pick-pockets can grab your goodies without you even noticing. Wear a fanny pack and they won't even get near you. You just don't mess with a man's fanny pack. The fanny pack will keep all of your items safe and zippered up where you can easily retrieve them.

Men wear fanny packs instead of purses for one specific reason. They have to be ready to kick some ass. You can't chew bubble gum and kick ass while wearing a purse. Some women may try to do this, or even use their purse as a weapon. This is sometimes effective, but a gross misuse of a purse. Purses have to be set aside when engaging in a fight. They have delicate content that could easily be damaged if struck. Also, purses can easily fall off your shoulder or be used against you. If your purse strap gets caught in a tree branch you have to think fast. Cut that sucker off, try to untangle it, but no matter what you do you're wasting time. The enemy now has you in their sights and has a clean shot. You're dead. Thanks a lot purse!

How many villains or superheros wear purses? I can't think of any. If there are any then they suck. Fanny packs are almost essential for crime fighters. Sure Batman has a utility belt, but isn't that really just the stripped down version fanny pack? It's like fanny pack lite version. It works the same, but is slimmed down and organized. It's not better than a fanny pack, just less bulky. The problem with a utility belt is that your enemy can pretty much guess what you have in there. The gun shaped compartment probably isn't filled with smoke capsules. Fanny packs are more ambiguous. Your fanny pack will retain it's shape, not it's contents shape.

Wearing a fanny pack sends a warning to your enemies. What is in that fanny pack? There is no way of knowing since the pack is proudly worn off the hip right on the front of your body where you can see it. Your enemies won't be able to anticipate what is in there. They will be hesitant, giving you the advantage to attack first.

If your state allows concealed carry you have to invest in a good fanny pack. When enemies approach give your fanny pack a got pat to let them know you're not afraid to unzip that sucker and unleash a world of pain on them. You'll notice that you won't even have to unzip it at this point. They know you mean serious business with that manly pack, and they don't want you to bust a cap in their ass. Mission accomplished. You have instilled fear in your enemies with a sweet leather fanny pack. you can even place the fanny pack directly over your crotch. You're a confident man and you don't need to compensate for something else.

If you are a real man than you will wear a fanny pack just like Chuck Norris. Actually, everything I wrote before this is moot because Chuck Norris is really the only reason.

People make life AWESOME

Since Christmas just happened I'd like to take a change from the original format and list some positive things. I received some phenomenal gifts this year such as some awesome t-shirts, underwear, some video games, cash, a movie, chai tea, a new D ring for my keys, jenga max, a mechanical clay target launcher, and a new computer chair that I'm writing from now.

Christmas is great, and I hope everybody has a merry time and enjoys the season.

Merry Christmas!

Twilight New Moon was the worst movie ever (besides Transformers 2)

Twilight New Moon was terrible, absolutely abysmal. I have never seen worse acting in my entire life, it's as if nobody is able to get through a single line without it hurting them. Nobody uses a normal inflection in their voice for any sentence. Also, making fun of zombie movies (original dawn of the dead) drawing parallels to consumerism in a vampire flick? How pretentious and better than thou, get over yourself worthless movie. Oh, and let's not forget Romeo and Juliet, SUBTLE ENOUGH? Worst movie ever, right behind Transformers 2, that movie is still worse somehow.

Spoiler alert: Never see this movie because it sucks and I'm going to tell you why.

Seriously, the story in this movie doesn't progress AT ALL until the VERY last scene. It starts off with Bella loving Edward and blah blah, then Edward says I can't be with you I'm going away. That right there is where the story starts, because it sets up a conflict. For anybody who doesn't know, here's how stories are laid out.

Characters introduced, plot element introduced, conflict, buildup, climax, resolution, roll credits.

Twilight does follow that format, but only for 10 minutes of the entire 2 hour and whatever too long film. The whole film is just useless and painful filler that serves to add nothing to the main story in any manner whatsoever.

Nobody delivers a line straight up. Every sentence is spoken in this low miserable tone of voice and broke into like a billion segments. JUST SAY THE DAMN SENTENCE ALREADY.

Yeah, the voltaire were worthless as well. What a bunch of royal creeps sitting on their thrones.

The music in this film made no sense. I'm quite positive certain record labels paid top billing so they could put their bands music in the film so when the soundtrack is sold people will buy other cds of the people on the soundtrack. The werewolf chasing the red haired girl scene had music that totally didn't fit. Also, every song was from a band that uses way overly pretentious effects and elements for music and when they sing it's like that whining emo queer singing that is also overly pretentious. The music sucks in this film.

Also, there are just so many scenes and camera shots they have where you can tell they are trying way too hard. It's like the most overly pretentious gothic film wannabe I have ever seen in my entire life. Like every shot screams "look at me I'm a gothic film I'm so great look at how awesome I am".

Oh, how white can Edward be? Dude, take off the friggin lip stick and tone down the powder.

Yeah, this was the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

Critical Mass

Wow, I don't know what I should focus on for this one. First off, bikers in the city are totally lame. Now, of course there are the ones who ride properly and don't blatantly ignore traffic laws, but that is not the majority of bikers. Critical mass is the mass (duh) gathering of bikers who act like jerks, block countless amounts of traffic, and disrupt the normal flow of things. Why do they do this? To show that bikes are just as important as cars, and that they're not an inconvenience to people. Seriously? I would elaborate more on this topic, but you all know how terrible critical mass is.

School Contests

My college is currently having a contest online, to see who can define what Columbia College of Chicago looks like when it's at its best. So many people wrote so many ridiculous, haughty, over the top idiotic nonsensical responses. This one guy went on and on about it being a fillet Mignon. Seriously? So many people tried being so artsy about it, saying things like "it's such an enriching bastion for creativity and change". Give me a break. Here's what I entered for the contest.

Columbia at its' best is a very odd term to try and understand. What is Columbia, other than a motley assortment of partly rundown buildings strung throughout the south loop, furnished with some top of the line equipment? That is of course besides the Macs, because macs are terrible. If we look at Columbia as a collection of people, there is no doubt that it is a collection of skilled and talented minds, that is of course when we strictly view the faculty in charge of teaching. When we look at Columbia as a collection of students, however, we see an entirely different world. We see students who go out at least twice a week, get high and get wasted, and then recant their stories of drunk driving, intoxicated sex, and other shenanigans, and display pride in themselves for this behavior. They wear mismatched clothing articles that would never go together and call it style. They act like their style is individualistic and new, even though every person around them is doing exactly the same thing. They speak of bands and musicians that are so "underground" and fresh, and that they've been a fan from the start, even though tons of people have heard of that band and they've been a fan from the start too, that or the band is terrible and it's no wonder why nobody has ever heard of them. You find a group of liberal thinkers who say that they are ahead of the curve, and that they are so forward in their ways, even though they are more bigoted then those they claim to be. They speak out against the government and others in charge, and they know nothing of what they say. When you look at the students of Columbia at its' best, you find a muddled pile of confused and obtuse individuals who have no direction or pull over their own person or life. Columbia, a soulless shell of a haven for every misunderstood artist under the sun.

Let's hope honesty goes rewarded here.

Dane Cook