Fixed Gear idiocy

Fixed gear bikes are a great training tool for small children who are learning to ride a bike for the first time, along with the necessary helmet and training wheels. Maybe wrist guards, everything else they can throw some dirt on when it gets cut and skinned.

Recently, however, a huge wave of fixed gear bikes have been seen across the country being propelled by giant man and women children known as "hipsters" or as common man would say, idiots who are so starved for attention that they'll do whatever it takes to get so much as a glance from the nearest passerby.

I suppose it's because these bikes are a connection not only to their childhood which they show off in public since it has been long forgot which in turn makes it "nostalgic" and everybody knows that nostalgia is just so hip, but it is also a connection to their current maturity be it that of a seven or five year old.

Seriously though, these bikes are horrible for a multitude of reasons but I think it's best to start at the most glaringly obvious fault in these machines. If you want to move forwards you ALWAYS have to pedal. Have fun getting up a steep incline and not being able to choose the appropriate gear so it doesn't feel like you're scaling a mountain. Going down a steep hill and just want to coast? Too bad, either go slow like you have to or risk dieing at the bottom due to your feet being off the pedals that are now flying so fast that there's no way in hell you're going to be able to put your feet back onto them to stop.

That brings me to the second fault, you have to make the pedals stop moving in order to brake. That's right, you can't just simply squeeze a handbrake while keeping your legs at a stable position, you have to push backwards and use YOUR leg strength to stop.

I'm going to skip all of the other points I could make about this issue and just end it with this. You look like a damn fool riding your fixed gear bike, it isn't cool and you're wasting your stupid time you idiot.

I hate every hipster and I hope they all fall into a pit of mountain bikes, PCs, and normal clothing. They'll probably die just from looking at so much "unhip" stuff.

St. Drunks McDrunk

Hooray, it's St. Patrick's day. What better way to celebrate? GET WASTED!

Seriously, what a joke of a holiday. How is this day viewed any better than mardi gras? I mean, I suppose there isn't a child friendly version of anything on mardi gras, "Here kids, throw the beads and see how many breasts you get to see!". Then again, since the highlight of St.Patrick's day is getting drunk, what's the child friendly version of that? Corned Beef is no more a St.Pats day thing than it is just a general Irish food dish.

Wearing green is the other highlight of this day, which I suppose all can partake in. Even with this there comes headache, however, as every child not wearing green gets pinched, poked, and even punched by their green clad classmates.

Everybody acts stupid on this day as well. They say stereotypically annoying things like "Top of the mornin' to ya!" and "Lucky stars", crap like that with an Irish accent. They're not even cool things to hear with an Irish accent, at least not as cool as asking an Irishman to tell you the time at exactly 3:33. That's a funny one.

Just wait for the morning news though, I'm sure you'll see plenty of stories about drunk drivers and other irresponsible acts cause by irresponsible people getting drunk. Even tonight I'm sure you'll see traffic stops everywhere set up by cops who know just where all the drunks are going to and heading from.

How do you make getting completely trashed, a normal event for many stupid people, into a holiday? Force everybody to wear the same color and "celebrate" Irish heritage.

Thanks a lot St.Patrick, you ass.

Real Men Wear Fanny Packs - Guest Writer Juliette

You have to be a real man to wear a fanny pack.

If you are a rugged man with a bunch of crap to carry then you have to get yourself a fanny pack. Your manly fanny pack can hold all sorts of wonderful items. Cell phones, radios, extra socks, protein bars, cigars, handguns, grenades, razors, wallets, and beef jerky. You may think to yourself that you can fit all of this crap in your cargo jeans. You are dead wrong. It doesn't matter how many pockets your pants have. All of your precious items can fall out and get lost. Pick-pockets can grab your goodies without you even noticing. Wear a fanny pack and they won't even get near you. You just don't mess with a man's fanny pack. The fanny pack will keep all of your items safe and zippered up where you can easily retrieve them.

Men wear fanny packs instead of purses for one specific reason. They have to be ready to kick some ass. You can't chew bubble gum and kick ass while wearing a purse. Some women may try to do this, or even use their purse as a weapon. This is sometimes effective, but a gross misuse of a purse. Purses have to be set aside when engaging in a fight. They have delicate content that could easily be damaged if struck. Also, purses can easily fall off your shoulder or be used against you. If your purse strap gets caught in a tree branch you have to think fast. Cut that sucker off, try to untangle it, but no matter what you do you're wasting time. The enemy now has you in their sights and has a clean shot. You're dead. Thanks a lot purse!

How many villains or superheros wear purses? I can't think of any. If there are any then they suck. Fanny packs are almost essential for crime fighters. Sure Batman has a utility belt, but isn't that really just the stripped down version fanny pack? It's like fanny pack lite version. It works the same, but is slimmed down and organized. It's not better than a fanny pack, just less bulky. The problem with a utility belt is that your enemy can pretty much guess what you have in there. The gun shaped compartment probably isn't filled with smoke capsules. Fanny packs are more ambiguous. Your fanny pack will retain it's shape, not it's contents shape.

Wearing a fanny pack sends a warning to your enemies. What is in that fanny pack? There is no way of knowing since the pack is proudly worn off the hip right on the front of your body where you can see it. Your enemies won't be able to anticipate what is in there. They will be hesitant, giving you the advantage to attack first.

If your state allows concealed carry you have to invest in a good fanny pack. When enemies approach give your fanny pack a got pat to let them know you're not afraid to unzip that sucker and unleash a world of pain on them. You'll notice that you won't even have to unzip it at this point. They know you mean serious business with that manly pack, and they don't want you to bust a cap in their ass. Mission accomplished. You have instilled fear in your enemies with a sweet leather fanny pack. you can even place the fanny pack directly over your crotch. You're a confident man and you don't need to compensate for something else.

If you are a real man than you will wear a fanny pack just like Chuck Norris. Actually, everything I wrote before this is moot because Chuck Norris is really the only reason.