St. Drunks McDrunk

Hooray, it's St. Patrick's day. What better way to celebrate? GET WASTED!

Seriously, what a joke of a holiday. How is this day viewed any better than mardi gras? I mean, I suppose there isn't a child friendly version of anything on mardi gras, "Here kids, throw the beads and see how many breasts you get to see!". Then again, since the highlight of St.Patrick's day is getting drunk, what's the child friendly version of that? Corned Beef is no more a St.Pats day thing than it is just a general Irish food dish.

Wearing green is the other highlight of this day, which I suppose all can partake in. Even with this there comes headache, however, as every child not wearing green gets pinched, poked, and even punched by their green clad classmates.

Everybody acts stupid on this day as well. They say stereotypically annoying things like "Top of the mornin' to ya!" and "Lucky stars", crap like that with an Irish accent. They're not even cool things to hear with an Irish accent, at least not as cool as asking an Irishman to tell you the time at exactly 3:33. That's a funny one.

Just wait for the morning news though, I'm sure you'll see plenty of stories about drunk drivers and other irresponsible acts cause by irresponsible people getting drunk. Even tonight I'm sure you'll see traffic stops everywhere set up by cops who know just where all the drunks are going to and heading from.

How do you make getting completely trashed, a normal event for many stupid people, into a holiday? Force everybody to wear the same color and "celebrate" Irish heritage.

Thanks a lot St.Patrick, you ass.

Real Men Wear Fanny Packs - Guest Writer Juliette

You have to be a real man to wear a fanny pack.

If you are a rugged man with a bunch of crap to carry then you have to get yourself a fanny pack. Your manly fanny pack can hold all sorts of wonderful items. Cell phones, radios, extra socks, protein bars, cigars, handguns, grenades, razors, wallets, and beef jerky. You may think to yourself that you can fit all of this crap in your cargo jeans. You are dead wrong. It doesn't matter how many pockets your pants have. All of your precious items can fall out and get lost. Pick-pockets can grab your goodies without you even noticing. Wear a fanny pack and they won't even get near you. You just don't mess with a man's fanny pack. The fanny pack will keep all of your items safe and zippered up where you can easily retrieve them.

Men wear fanny packs instead of purses for one specific reason. They have to be ready to kick some ass. You can't chew bubble gum and kick ass while wearing a purse. Some women may try to do this, or even use their purse as a weapon. This is sometimes effective, but a gross misuse of a purse. Purses have to be set aside when engaging in a fight. They have delicate content that could easily be damaged if struck. Also, purses can easily fall off your shoulder or be used against you. If your purse strap gets caught in a tree branch you have to think fast. Cut that sucker off, try to untangle it, but no matter what you do you're wasting time. The enemy now has you in their sights and has a clean shot. You're dead. Thanks a lot purse!

How many villains or superheros wear purses? I can't think of any. If there are any then they suck. Fanny packs are almost essential for crime fighters. Sure Batman has a utility belt, but isn't that really just the stripped down version fanny pack? It's like fanny pack lite version. It works the same, but is slimmed down and organized. It's not better than a fanny pack, just less bulky. The problem with a utility belt is that your enemy can pretty much guess what you have in there. The gun shaped compartment probably isn't filled with smoke capsules. Fanny packs are more ambiguous. Your fanny pack will retain it's shape, not it's contents shape.

Wearing a fanny pack sends a warning to your enemies. What is in that fanny pack? There is no way of knowing since the pack is proudly worn off the hip right on the front of your body where you can see it. Your enemies won't be able to anticipate what is in there. They will be hesitant, giving you the advantage to attack first.

If your state allows concealed carry you have to invest in a good fanny pack. When enemies approach give your fanny pack a got pat to let them know you're not afraid to unzip that sucker and unleash a world of pain on them. You'll notice that you won't even have to unzip it at this point. They know you mean serious business with that manly pack, and they don't want you to bust a cap in their ass. Mission accomplished. You have instilled fear in your enemies with a sweet leather fanny pack. you can even place the fanny pack directly over your crotch. You're a confident man and you don't need to compensate for something else.

If you are a real man than you will wear a fanny pack just like Chuck Norris. Actually, everything I wrote before this is moot because Chuck Norris is really the only reason.